Willingness and safety are two of the most important things to consider in BDSM kinky relationships. It’s especially the case with the fetishes and kinks that may involve the risk of physical injuries and intense emotions.
Partners must negotiate terms to reach a win-win agreement regarding their sexual activities to settle differences and prevent further conflicts. Read on to better understand how to get consent for a scene and to examine essential factors and tips for the negotiation process.
The Importance of Negotiation in Kink and Kinky Activities
In the gay community, men negotiate both psycho-emotional and physical aspects of sexual desires to make their kinky fantasies into reality without hurting the relationship.
The Kinky Risks
Let’s assume you met a guy online; he’s cute and sexy and checks all your preferences. You decided to meet this evening for a scene with rope bondage and primal acts. But you did not negotiate terms since you worried about him getting disappointed in you for asking many questions.
Two things can happen in the bedroom: you’ll either be pleasantly surprised or utterly disappointed. It’s cool if the scene turns out to be fun and gratifying. But what would you do if you were forced to perform uncomfortable plays or, worse, got injured?
You may argue that you can say no on the spot, but if you’re a submissive, you know you cannot do much when you’re physically restrained. It gets more problematic if a sadist partner gets control over you. This is the very reason why you must negotiate a scene first to discuss possible risks and dangers that concern both parties.
The Kinky Benefits
Aside from fixing conflicts and limiting assumptions, negotiations promote respect. It’s a safe space to express your feelings and personal preferences on sex. It’s also a way to understand your partner’s interests and behavior.
For instance, you both want to incorporate toys and equipment in your master-slave play. As a submissive, you want a rope for bondage; as a dominant, he wants a whip and a paddle for spanking and flogging. Here’s the problem: You don’t want a paddle, and he likes to use a handcuff.
Negotiating first will assist you in reaching a compromise with the accessories you will use in bed. You can even share why you want or don’t want to use an item. Negotiations don’t only help you find common ground; you will also learn more about each other.
Kinky scene and negotiation
To help you better discuss a scene and negotiate with your partner, here are the suggested crucial areas you should include in your talks:
Sexual activities
Begin by listing all activities you want to do or try. You don’t have to involve feelings or your partner’s wants for this stage.
Limits
Go through the sexual activities you listed above and discuss whether you’re comfortable including those acts. When you’re unsure of an act but want to try it, establish your soft and hard limits.
Toys and Equipment
Some scenes may need a toy or a tool to perform. Negotiate what and what not to add, and always prioritize safety. For example, suppose you want to try pet play. In that case, you should get high-quality costumes that will not hinder your roleplaying, such as the Garnet Silicone Puppyman Mask or Silicone Dobberman Mask from SMITIZEN.
Nicknames
Share what nicknames you want to call each other to heighten the play. This is also the time to ask or give permission for nicknames that you don’t usually use outside of sex and that some may find offensive. A familiar endearment is Baby or Honey. But some subs with a humiliation kink will also want to be called Slut or Whore.
Safe Word
Safe words are critical and should be respected at all times. You should not do any acts with a partner who doesn’t want to establish or ignore safe words. Safe words keep the play safe and help you steer clear of injuries.
Special Concerns
Share anything you want your partner to know about. This can be something trivial, like asking them to clean their body or avoid eating garlic before playing thoroughly. However, it can also be something deeper, such as telling them what situations, words, or anything can trigger past trauma.
Preparing for Negotiations
Communication is the backbone of a relationship, much so with physical intimacy. If you communicate effectively, you create an environment that values your ideas and suggestions. Partners understand each other better, and the participants reach a better solution they are both happy with.
How to prepare for negotiations and win-win solutions
Before starting a conversation, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Remember that a negotiation favors both sides, and neither should feel less valued or forced.
To better prepare yourself before negotiating, here are several tips to take in mind:
1. Learn how to establish boundaries. Check the hard and soft limits descriptions, including the use of words or gestures.
2. Aside from the kinks you know, read about the different BDSM ideas by the gay community.
3. Ask friends about their personal experience of kinky activities. It may not give you the same pleasure, but it’ll help you understand the scenarios.
4. Watch videos on porn sites, especially for primal plays that require practice or a level of expertise to perform.
Negotiating a Scene to Improve Your Relationship
After you and your partner agree on the basic concepts of a scene, you’ll want to dive into its details to ensure that you’re both on the same page.
1. Ask any questions that you don’t understand clearly. Ask your partner if there are unfamiliar terms or something else you’re curious about. At the same time, be sure to hear their queries and explain the best you can.
2. Be direct and set the tone of your scene. It can be sweet and intimate or hot and intense. The bedroom atmosphere is a business that the participants should be serious about.
3. When toys are involved, don’t just wait for things to happen. You have to discuss how you plan to use them and on what body parts.
4. Create a safe sign that can instantly be recognized. For instance, do not use a safe word if your scene includes mouth restraint. Similarly, refrain from using hand gestures during rope bondage sex.
5. Lastly, before binding your agreement, suggest how to perform each other’s roles best and achieve orgasm by sharing your most sensitive body areas, etc.
Knowing what to say
In negotiating, using phrases and words to express your feelings and interests towards something properly is essential. What you say can affect the outcome of your negotiation, so choose your words correctly.
1. Instead of saying, “I’m not interested in it,” say, “I’m not comfortable performing this kind of act. Maybe we can skip it for now?”
2. Say, “I think we can find solutions that will benefit us both,” rather than, “I don’t like your suggested solutions.”
3. Don’t say, “I don’t like kissing; our relationship is not intimate.” Instead, use “I respect your interest in kissing, but I’ll say no for now until our relationship grows into a more serious and intimate one.”
Gracefully decline or accept an act and avoid saying things that will turn off your potential partner. Additionally, make everything personal. Own your feelings and ideas using words such as I, me, my, etc.
Reaching a consensus
The concept of winning and losing does not apply in this type of negotiation. It would be best if you reached a consensus that favors both partners. You can use the give-and-take technique, where you request an act to be included in exchange for one from him.
The same applies when you agree to resolve his conflict only if he concurs with yours. That way, both partners are compromising to make your negotiation a success.
Following Up After Negotiations
There are two scenarios where you should do a follow-up on your negotiations: right before you perform the scenes and after you spend considerable time with each other.
The former is for you and your partner to remember your roles and responsibilities before the scene. Meanwhile, the latter is important as you progress in your relationship with your partner. This is because you may discover new kinks to add to your inventory or may have re-evaluated your choices.
It’s essential to revisit your agreement to discuss revisions and the addition of new terms for future reference.
Tips for a follow-up
To land on a proper foot for a follow-up with your partner, here are some tips to use:
1. Before entering the bedroom, ask for a minute with him and have a conversation. If he agrees, be straightforward and tell him to go over the negotiation with you.
2. During aftercare, talk about your satisfaction and whether or not you want to re-evaluate your terms.
3. Always look for the right time to bring up the topic. Only follow up when one of you is in the mood to negotiate. It’ll only result in a conflict.
4. Do not delay. If you have a solution to solve a conflict, follow up immediately. Whether through chat or in person, do it the soonest, especially when you leave some things unresolved.
The following is what you should include in your follow-up conversation:
1. Begin your conversation by reviewing the contents of your negotiation. Establish that you both agreed to these terms.
2. If things need to be settled, proceed to that section. Present your solution, if you have any, and ask for his response.
3. Discuss the addition of activities or accessories. Address each other’s concerns and reach a consensus.
4. Wrap up by reviewing everything.
In Summary
Since most members of the gay community have become more open with their sexuality and kinky behavior, the value of negotiation has also been recognized to establish a safer and more comfortable environment in a relationship. It’s an assurance that the person you’re with values your preferences and openness to try BDSM acts.
We’ve discussed the importance of negotiation, the steps to take, and the tips to consider, ensuring all your bases are covered before jumping into a conversation with your partner. If you want to experience kinky activities and other pleasurable, intense physical plays, we recommend following what you’ve learned in our guide.
